I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
nutella sex= disaster
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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