your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
