she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
