My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
