Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
