using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
