Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
