So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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