I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
