I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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