I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
