we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize