Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
