im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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