i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize