So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
