She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
