I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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