i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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