I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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