Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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