You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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