One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
