I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
