Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
