My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
