I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
