I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
