his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
