The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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