I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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