The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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