I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
