Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
