they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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