dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize