you have to choose: penises or morals?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
