He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
