my phone needs a breathalizer
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
