You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
