if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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