I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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