it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i will never coherently bang her
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
