Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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