I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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