Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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