I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
True college students do jello shots in the library
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