I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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