im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
