My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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