So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
