i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
