there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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