Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
