ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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