A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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