I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
A bitchslap is in order.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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