if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
