remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Randomize
