I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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