i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
