Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I need moral support for this bender
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
