If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
party gras won. party gras always wins.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
